Blair Witch - A Redwall Humor Fic
by Kila Swiftpaw
Summary: Winner of many LOL awards and ROTFLMAO Awards...enjoy :)


Demented Narrarator: 'Twas a dark and sunny night in Mossflower. Five beasts were sitting in a small, yet...large clearing. They were sitting in a circle, and their names were Martin, Mariel, Matthias, Nimbalo and Tansy. A tiny fire was burning, just barely keeping them warm as the cold of the night crept slowly through their bodies. They were doing an Abbey project on how one section of the woods was haunted by the Blair Witch. Each carried a small hand-held video camera, so they could record everything they saw. I leave you now with them..  
  
Martin: *Talking like Kronk* Is it just me, or is it cold out here?  
  
Mariel: Stuff it.  
  
Tansy: Looks like someone's been messing with my lab again..*growls*  
  
Martin: *Hic* *Slaps paw over mouth*  
  
Nimbalo: Come on you idiots, let's get goin', I don't want te be sittin' 'ere in the dead o' night!   
  
DN: So they all get up and travel deeper into the forest, and soon come upon tall, leaveless trees. Mariel hears noises, and up in the trees, sees little stick figures hanging.   
  
Mariel: Look! Up in the tree!  
  
Martin: It's SUPERMAN!!   
  
Mariel: Forget I said anything..  
  
Nimbalo: I see, wat's there te look at mousey? Anyway, yall care gonna scare the poo outta yerselves so lets set up camp by that river over there. *Points to paper that's painted blue*  
  
DN: So they make their way over there and set camp up. Tansy is sitting with the camera up to her face, speaking in a whisper.  
  
Tansy: *Holding the VR to face* The first day was fine, nothing's happened...*Stops, blinks and freezes* W-w-w-what's that!! *squeaks*  
  
Nimbalo: Wut? I dun hear nothin'!   
  
DN: In the distance Tansy hears little children laughing and giggling. Soon the tent starts being beaten, and blood stains the canvas  
  
Mariel: OH MY GOD! EVERYONE RUN!!!!   
  
DN: Screaming and yelling, the five flee from the tent, and Nimbalo happens to be the only one filming.  
  
Nimbalo: HURRY!!!   
  
DN: As they're running, they pass the hanging sticks in the trees. Martin whips out his camera and begins filming.  
  
Martin: Whoa...DUDE! WOULD YOU---*Runs smack dab into a tree* *Camera goes black*  
  
DN: Oh no! Martin is in trouble! Who will save him?  
  
Mariel and Tansy: Think again!  
  
Nimbalo: oh FINE! *Runs back and grabs Martin*  
  
DN: Tired from running, the group stops, and daylight starts to overcome the night. Mariel, exhausted, sits down.   
  
Mariel: Wait...we're missing someone!! We're missing Matthias!!  
  
Nimbalo: *Throws Martin* What?? What do you mean??  
  
Tansy: *Eating a bagel bite* Too bad for him.  
  
Mariel: Come on, let's go find him.  
  
Martin: NOOOOO BODY KNOWSSS THE TROUBLEEE I'VE SEEENNN NOOO BODY KNOWWW MYY---*BAM* Ow!  
  
Kuzco: Uh huh Uh huh Uh huh Uh huh Uh huh!   
  
Nimbalo: And you thought I was crazy..  
  
Mariel: Did I ever say you weren't?  
  
Tansy: Maybe  
  
Martin: Spinach puffs anyone?? *Spins around and collapses in a heap*  
  
Voice: Matthias........  
  
Everyone: *Cling together* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOO *They all run*  
  
DN: So, scared half to death they continue running, forgetting about Martin. Soon, they stumbled upon a grove of pine trees. Tansy walks up and sees Matthias's bandana. She bends down and examines it.  
  
Tansy: You guys! Commere! Look what I found..*Unwraps it and shrieks loudly, falling over unconscious.  
  
Nimbalo and Mariel: *Runs over*  
  
Mariel: *Gasps*  
  
Nimbalo: *Jaw drops*  
  
DN: I guess you want to know what's in that bandana...  
  
Mariel: IT'S HORRIFYING!!! I CAN'T WATCH! Ugh! *Sobs*  
  
Nimbalo: *Bends down and reaches out, apparently afraid* THE HORROR!!!  
  
DN: Nimbalo, crying, picks up the bandana and pulls out a pack of wheaty puffs. He sobs and throws it, grimacing. Tansy wakes up and sadly they continue on. Soon they come up to a house. They walk inside and begin filming. Nimbalo motions them to be quiet. Throughout the house they hear a mournful calling and like stupid idiots decide to investigate. Mariel slowly makes her way up the stairs and enters the master bedroom....  
  
Mariel: *Whispering* I hate this..I wanna go home..I can't stand thi- *She drops the camera* *The light on the camera cracks and she's left in the dark, but notices a figure looming in the opposite side of the room.... *It steps closer and Mariel screams*

DN: Martin steps out holding a plate of spinach puffs and shoves them in Mariel's face.   
  
Martin: I LOVED YOU CUPCAKE!!!!! *Possessed*  
  
Mariel: *Screams and grabs the plate, backflips and throws the plate like a frisbee, matrix style. Inch by inch the plate rotates towards Martin, his face grim. Frame by frame he bends back, the plate whirring over his head.*  
  
Martin: *Stuck in that position* Ugh...a little help...*Walks around like that*  
  
Mariel: Oh come on you idiot! *Grabs him and runs downstairs*  
  
DN: Nimbalo and Tansy are downstairs wandering around. Mariel and Martin rush down and they all gather together  
  
Mariel: *Holds the camera up to face, sweating* Omg..omg...I'm so scared...*snot drips  
  
Tansy: *Tries to open the door* OH MY GOD YOU GUYS WE'RE LOCKED IN!   
  
Martin: Whoa..dude...weird..*Slaps head and laughs stupidly*  
  
DN: They all hear noises, leading to the basement.  
  
Mariel: Listen!  
  
Voice: Maattthiiiassss *woohoo spookyish*  
  
DN: They all rush down the stairs and see spinach smeared all over the walls. There's a loud shrill scream. Martin gets down and accidently steps on a land mine and blows up. Tansy, Nimbalo and Mariel all run and huddle in the corner. A large figure appears and they all yell and scream bloody murder.  
  
DN: Now you probably think they're dead..but think again!  
  
Kronk: Now how many chances do you think that this trap door led me out here...*Laughs*   
  
Mariel: Huh...*Looks at Kronk* Who..who are you??? *Speaks in trembling voice*  
  
Kronk: I am YOUR FATHER! And the one true king!!!  
  
Mariel: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO   
  
Nimbalo: Way too much excitement for me...toooo much...  
  
Dead Martin: FELIZ NAVIDAD *Strums broken guitar from lesbian thrift shop*  
  
Tansy and Mariel: *Sings*  
  
Nimbalo: *Dances*  
  
THE END! WUHAHAHA


End file.
